Friends reboot- S1E6- The One with the Bug Girl
by Jonathan Navi
Summary: I am writing a Friends reboot. Currently writing a season 1 and will publish episodes out of order. Please see my episode 6 here called "The One with the Bug Girl." Enjoy and please provide feedback!


**Friends episode: The One with the Bug Girl**

(Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross are in Monica/Rachel's apartment)

MONICA: (standing up looking agitated) Ok, so we've got the appetizers ready, cups, plates, and the Christmas tree. Chandler, were you able to do your part?

CHANDLER: (slapping his legs on the two boxes he was using as leg rests while sitting) BOOZE. Done.

RACHEL: So what exactly is this supposed to be?

MONICA: It's the first annual Monica-Chandler Christmaspalooza!

ROSS: And what exactly makes it special enough to have a "palooza"?

CHANDLER: Hey when you have Chandler planning your party, (very excited whipping his head) you know you're in for a good time!

ROSS: (in a skeptical mocking tone) And what exactly has your contributions been to this party Chandler?

CHANDLER: Well, you know….. the Booze (everyone shrugs their shoulders) and…..and you know…calming down Monica after she gets a little too Monica.

MONICA: (looking angry) Chandler, I already apologized to that woman in the grocery store for cutting.

CHANDLER: Well you didn't really cut in front of her as much as BOWL OVER HER with your shopping cart.

MONICA: (intensely) Well MAYBE she should have hussled her butt to the line instead of moving an inch a minute.

CHANDLER: (outraged) SHE WAS USING A WALKER AND HER NAME WAS NANA!

MONICA: What can I tell you Chandler, it's an ugly world out there. (holding a knife out she was using to frost the cake)

PHOEBE: Ok, easy there Freddy Kruger.

RACHEL: Well how many people are coming to this Christmaspalooza thing?

MONICA: We've invited 60 people.

RACHEL: 60 people! How are 60 people supposed to fit into this tiny apartment? I'm still looking for room to cram all my extra shoes.

MONICA: Well that's why it's a Christmaspalooza, because it'll be jam packed. And it's only for people who are single.

ROSS: Wow, you really must have invited everybody to this thing.

MONICA: Yep. And I even invited Sophia Resnick, Ross…..

ROSS: (looking mesmerized and shocked) Sophia Resnick...

RACHEL: (looking interested) Who is this Sophia Resnick?

MONICA: She's just this nerd that Ross used to like in college, but Ross was too much of a nerd to do anything about it.

ROSS: (offended) Um, no, Mon, I couldn't "do anything about it" because I was committed to my paleontology studies then and couldn't afford to split my FOCUS.

JOEY: (whispering to Phoebe) Probably committed to his hand a couple times a week though. (Phoebe laughs)

ROSS: Plus she was already dating someone in the Entomology department then. (suddenly angry, curling up his fist) The entomologists ALWAYS GOT THE BEST GIRLS!

JOEY: Entomology? They've got a department for Entemann's pastries?

ROSS: (pauses for moment looking at him dead pan) No, Joe, Entomology is the study of insects. And Sophia is actually a leading Entomologist now, I just read a paper by her about cicadas and their migration cycle. It was FASCINATING.

CHANDLER: Boy, you've finally found someone who's a bigger dweeb than you!

PHOEBE: So are you gonna put the moves on this Bug Girl?

ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, she's not a "bug girl", you know, she's a doctor.

EVERYONE: Oh god not this again.

ROSS: (angry) I AM A DOCTOR!

CHANDLER: Well Dr. Gellar, maybe you and Dr. Sophia, can write each other some prescriptions for you know…..some ground up dinosaur bones and she'll write you a prescription for some fireflies….and you'll (super excited) SET THIS PARTY ON FIRE!

MONICA: She's actually recently divorced. I heard it was a really bad breakup.

ROSS: (looking sentimental) Oh no. That's terrible. I guess it's kind of my DUTY then to comfort her during this difficult time.

JOEY: (cupping his hands together over his mouth) Paging Dr. Gellar, paging Dr. Gellar, we've got a vulnerable woman for you to take advantage of on the floor.

ROSS: (looking hurt) No, Joe, I don't want to take ADVANTAGE of her. I just want to comfort her and show her that (intensely) ok maybe I'm not a ROCKSTAR entomologist, (back to normal) but paleontologists also know how to have a good time.

CHANDLER: Paging Dr. Gellar, your loser test results are in. (he hands over make believe papers to Joey)

JOEY: (suddenly serious) Yep, just as I expected Dr. Bing, STILL A LOSER!

MONICA: (ignoring them) Isn't that cool Rachel, maybe Ross can get lucky with this bug girl.

RACHEL: I mean yeah, go for it Ross.

ROSS: You…..you think I should?

RACHEL: (enthusiastic) Oh yeah, definitely, I mean you deserve to be happy, and if this bug girl is it, then you should, you know, GO FOR IT.

ROSS: (nervously laughs, looks down, then looks up) Thanks Rach. And are you, you know, looking to meet any new guys at this party (nervously laughs again)?

RACHEL: I…(thinking hard)…...you know, NO, I don't think I am. For the first time… in a long time, I think I'm just going to enjoy the party for what it is. Just a time with friends, good food, good conversation and…(looking at Joey who was cupping his own breasts pretending they were girl breasts)….keeping all my bosomed friends away from Joey.

(Joey looks up, realizes what she said, and looks embarrassed)

CHANDLER: Well…..(getting nervous)….I mean that's just away from Joey right? You're not gonna keep your big bosomed friends away from me are ya? (his eyes widen pathetically)

RACHEL: (looking at him compassionately) Oh no honey, they're going to stay away from you all on their own. (looking at him more pathetically) You remember the last time you tried to introduce yourself to one of my friends?

CHANDLER: (looking down on the ground, depressed) Yeah….

MONICA: Chandler, what did you say?

CHANDLER: (long pause, then a deep sigh) I said…."I couldn't help but stare from across the room, but your happenin body is like a monsoon, please do care for all the wear your causing me in my pantaloons."

(Joey wears a big stupid smile on his face, nodding proudly up and down)

CHANDLER: Damn it Joe! That was your line!

JOEY: Well…..ya didn't say it right!

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(In Chandler's apartment, with Joey, Ross, and Chandler)

CHANDLER: Look, this is a BIG opportunity for us. There will be women aplenty tonight. So…do we have a game plan?

JOEY: Yep, (looking to Ross) it's called stay away from Chandler and THEN go for it.

CHANDLER: Oh common Joe, pass along some of your secrets man, I'm desperate. It's been almost…almost 6 months for me.

JOEY: 6 months? Wowww…

CHANDLER: (looking upset) Yeah…WOW…..I know it's WOW…..I don't NEED you to remind me that it's WOW.

ROSS: Heh, that's nothing. It's been 10 months for me.

CHANDLER: 10 months…..?

ROSS: Yeah.

CHANDLER: You mean since you were last with Carol?

ROSS: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Alright look, we all have to make a pact. All of us are going to break our dry streak TONIGHT!

JOEY: (smiling) wouldn't really call 1 day a dry streak…..

CHANDLER: 1 DAY? Joe, I was with you the ENTIRE day yesterday! When did it happen?

JOEY: Remember when you were doing those Daffy Duck impressions for that cute pizza delivery girl and then you went into your bedroom to get your wallet and you got "accidentally locked in"?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and?!

JOEY: (smiling) Well….

CHANDLER: Joe that was only for like 45 seconds!

JOEY: (looking mad) Ayyy, what are you tryin to say?

ROSS: Well, I'm no time expert, but I believe he's trying to say that a girl can expect you to be done before an egg is cooked.

JOEY: (looking mad) Ayyyyyy, no girl has ever been dissatisfied with Joey Tribbiani.

CHANDLER: Really Joe, not even that foreign exchange student from NYU?

JOEY: (outraged) Hey, how was I supposed to know what she was talking about. I didn't know Portuguese for "my husband is in the other room."

CHANDLER: But Joe, common, tell me….tell me some of your trade secrets. What do I…..what do I gotta say to impress the ladies?

JOEY: Well alright. I'll TRY to pass on a little knowledge from my vast library of…you know, knowledge.

JOEY: So when a really hot girl walks into the room. Well, see, most guys instinctively think that that's the best time to approach her. But no, what you do is you wait for all the losers, you know (pointing) Ross, and all the desperate guys, you know (pointing) Chandler, to go for her and get turned down. Then you wait. See she's just trying to get comfortable when she walks into a party. She just got in, she's getting a sense of the room, the music, the people. She needs to get her equilibrium.

ROSS: You know Joey, I think if you took away your sex drive, you might have ACTUALLY been a smart person.

CHANDLER: (agitated) Alright, alright, so go on, what next.

JOEY: Well for most girls it takes them about 10 minutes to reach their equilibrium, or what I would like to call their "Here Comes Joey Point."

CHANDLER: (excited) So that's when you pounce on them?

JOEY: If you want her to splash beer in your face it is. No, that's when you drop subtle hints to her that you know, you might be interested.

ROSS: Like what kinds of hints?

JOEY: Well, for example, one thing that I like to do is to lean on the wall, and then as she passes by me I nod my head to her and flash her a smile. Now, if she turns her head in my direction and smiles back, I know I've piqued her interest.

CHANDLER: (agitated) And so that's when you pounce on her?

ROSS: Chandler, these are mature grown women, not monkeys. We don't POUNCE!

JOEY: No, no. See, it's still too early then. That was all about, you know, planting the seed. Well now you've got to let it grow. And what makes it grow…..(pausing while Chandler eagerly awaits the next line)…. is letting her see that other girls are interested in you. So you know, you start going around the room talking to other girls, your female friends, people you're comfortable with. And after she's seen that for a while, that's when you POUNCE!

CHANDLER: (excited) See I TOLD YOU you have to pounce!

ROSS: (shaking his head upset) Look Chandler, you can try Joey's….. depraved methods…. all you want, but for me, I'm going to be courting Sophia. A sophisticated woman. A woman who deserves only honesty and tenderness…..not pick up lines and…. and tricks.

JOEY: 10 months huh?

(Ross drops his head)

CHANDLER: So Joe, which one of your moves are you gonna use tonight?

JOEY: Well tonight I'm just gonna keep it simple…..a girl passes by. (Joey smiles, nods his chin out) "How you doin."

ROSS: (deadpan) That's it?

JOEY: 1 day dry spell Ross! 1 day!

ROSS: (resigned) Yeah, yeah, alright.

CHANDLER: So Ross, what about you and Rachel?

ROSS: (nervous laugh) What do you mean what about me and Rachel?

CHANDLER: Oh common dude, you've been in love with her since you were in high school man!

ROSS: (playing it calm) I'm not in love with anyone. Look, I may have had a crush on her then, but it's like….it's not that way anymore. Now she's just one of my friends like Phoebe and you guys.

(They all just pause, leaning on the kitchen counter, not saying anything)

CHANDLER: (with a look of budding realization) Joe….when you said you had sex with that delivery girl yesterday…where precisely did you do it?

JOEY: (a big smile appears on his face) I believe my butt was right there (pointing to where Chandler's chest was leaning on)

CHANDLER: (springs backward) Whoa, ahhhhh, Joey butt! (he collides into and flips over the recliner chair)

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Scene starts in Monica/Rachel's apartment with all the guests and everyone there. A big Christmas tree is at the center of the room in front of the TV. The apartment is packed with people inside the main area and on the terrace. Joey, Chandler, and Ross meet by the drink stand near the couches)

CHANDLER: Alright so how's it going for you guys?

JOEY: (slightly fatigued) Alright.

ROSS: (slightly crestfallen) Yeah, alright.

CHANDLER: Alright. So nothing for any of us!

(They all nodded their heads)

CHANDLER: What happened to that Bug Girl…uh... Sophia, she not show?

ROSS: (looking sad) I guess not. I mean….Monica said she was supposed to be coming, but I guess she had second thoughts you know.

JOEY: Ross, I doubt this had anything to do with you.

CHANDLER: Yeah, man, forget her, just check out all these other babes. (a pretty girl passes by Chandler and Chandler makes eye contact and says) "Hey there."

PRETTY GIRL: (looking irritated) You already said that to me like 20 minutes ago. (she walks away)

CHANDLER: (turning back around, looking dejected) Yep. Definitely nothing for any of us.

(The door opens at the front of the apartment)

(A beautiful, sophisticated red haired woman with wavy hair and long beautiful legs walks through the door. The song "Kiss Me" by "Sixpence None The Richer" plays)

ROSS: Sophia…..

JOEY: (excited) That's Sophia?

CHANDLER: (jumping over Joey's shoulder) That's the Bug Girl!?

(Ross walks up to Sophia)

ROSS: Sophia…it's Ross, Ross Gellar. (nervous laugh)

(Sophia looks confused. Joey and Chandler now come up behind Ross to eavesdrop)

ROSS: You remember, I was studying paleontology, I was in Rickshaw Hall with you…I…I was the one who got beat up by that foreign student from Sri Lanka.

SOPHIA: Oh yeah! Ross Gellar. (she embraces Ross in a hug) Of course! Boy, that girl was really strong huh?

ROSS: (embarrassed) Yeah….yeah. So, you know I hear you're a famous entomologist now, huh?

SOPHIA: Well, I wouldn't say "famous", but I've been doing well. (smiling, nodding her head) You know "publish or perish," you've got to keep churning out papers and make new findings or else (suddenly she smacked the nearby wall with her open palm) "SWAT", you get SQUASHED like a gnat.

ROSS: (impressively) Oh yeah, I totally know the feeling. I mean, it's the same EXACT THING in paleontology.

SOPHIA: But…..are there any new findings to make in paleontology? I mean… you know, because they're all dead.

ROSS: (looking insulted) Well, I mean, we can still discover a new dinosaur species or maybe a new function of a known dinosaur, stuff like that.

SOPHIA: (in a professional tone) Have you discovered any new species or new functions Ross?

ROSS: (hanging his head low) No…

SOPHIA: Ah well, that's ok, I'm sure there'll be new dinosaurs popping up soon. (nodding her head)

ROSS: (in a low voice) Yeah….

(There was a long awkward pause)

CHANDLER: So Ross, why don't you introduce me to your beautiful friend here?

(Sophia giggles)

ROSS: (looking resigned) Yeah, Sophia Resnick, this is Chandler Bing, he also went to college with us.

SOPHIA: Oh yeahhh, Chandler Bing! You know I don't think we ever met, but I heard PLENTY (eyes widening) about you.

CHANDLER: (excited) Oh, yeah. Like…like all sorts of good stuff right?

SOPHIA: Well, no it was mostly about that infamous panty raid at Nessler Hall.

CHANDLER: Oh….(getting nervous)….well you know…..those…those were just rumors. Yeah, I was actually at the college LIBRARY studying the whole time that panty raid took place. Terrible, terrible thing to have occurred. (turning his head to Joey looking frightened, but Joey returned his look with a big smile and a congratulatory pat on the back)

SOPHIA: Are you kidding? It was HILARIOUS! You were a LEGEND! I…I just love funny, goofy guys.

CHANDLER: (jumping one foot into the air) Oh!

CHANDLER: Well… I'm funny. Oh and guess what….I'm goofy TOO!

CHANDLER: Yeah and I was just kidding before. Panty raid. Yeah. Whole thing was my idea.

(Sophia laughs and touches Chandler's arm)

CHANDLER: So, Sophia…..have you ever met a guy who could impersonate Daffy Duck before?

SOPHIA: (smiling) No! I haven't….

CHANDLER: Well….(turning his head, then turning back around laying on a thick Daffy accent) "Sufferin Succotash, now you have"!

JOEY: (shaking his head, turning to Ross) Let's get outta here.

ROSS: Yeah….

(Joey and Ross walk away)

SOPHIA: Chandler, you are so funny and so cuteee!

ROSS: (not looking back, in a high pitched voice) OH MY GOD…

JOEY: JUSTTT keep walkin Ross.

(SCENE ENDS)

* * *

(Scene starts on the terrace. 75% of the people at the party have already left. Ross is alone on the terrace looking out to the skyline. The camera pans out to show Rachel near the door looking onto him)

RACHEL: (sweetly) Hey.

(Rachel walks forward, Ross turns around and sees her)

ROSS: Oh hey Rach.

(Ross turns around to look back at the skyline and Rachel joins him)

ROSS: Do you ever just look out at this whole giant city (nodding his head forward)….. that has literally MILLIONS of people in it….and still feel all alone?

RACHEL: (consolingly) Mmmm (she puts her head on his shoulder)

RACHEL: Believe me, I know (candidly spoken).

ROSS: I thought tonight, you know, maybe fortune would finally be on my side.

RACHEL: Oh you mean with Bug Girl?

ROSS: Yeah…

RACHEL: Look honey…..NO ONE thought she would end up with Chandler. And when I say no one, I mean NOOOOO ONEEEEE.

ROSS: No, it's not that. She and I weren't a good fit….… it's not her I'm upset about.

RACHEL: (looking at him) Then what are you upset about?

ROSS: It's just that, I feel like things and circumstances are never on my side, you know? It's like, what about Ross? When is some big giant cosmic thing going to happen for me? … When will I walk into a department store and you know….grab the EXACT SAME pair of gloves as the girl I'm DESTINED to be with. And our hands touch, and we look into each other's eyes, and….you know, it's just destiny.

RACHEL: (looking at him warmly with concern) Oh honey, that's just the plot of the movie Serendipity.

RACHEL: And you know….Hollywood…you know they never get real life right. Cuz that's just not the way real life works. There is no destiny and fate and forces bringing people together. You know. No….no it's just hard work….it's….it's ugly, it's nerve wrecking, it takes a lot of heart ache, rejection. And after all of that, somewhere along the line, you know, suddenly, boom you meet the right person. And it wasn't destiny. No, it was just not giving up. It was knowing that it's eventually going to happen.

ROSS: (looking at Rachel) You really believe that?

RACHEL: Honey, I KNOW THAT. (gently) Here, let me get us two glasses of Merlot and we can talk some more. Sound good?

ROSS: (looking back out at the skyline) Yeah, that sounds good.

(Rachel walks away from Ross and goes back into the apartment)

(Ross continues to look at the skyline)

(Suddenly Ross is interrupted)

WOMAN 1: (delicately spoken) It's beautiful isn't it?

(Ross turns around and sees a woman with medium length brown hair, pale skin, sharp attractive features, slender frame, and piercing eyes)

ROSS: (out of breath) Yeah.

WOMAN 1: (while stepping over the frame to the terrace) May I join you?

ROSS: (looking mesmerized) Yeah….yeah, sure.

(She walks up to Ross. She then stands alongside him)

WOMAN 1: I'm Fay.

ROSS: (looking at her dumbfounded) Hi Fay. My name is Ross.

(She offers him her hand and they shake. Ross looks mesmerized while looking at her, and she looks down and bites her lip)

(SCENE FOCUS SHIFTS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT)

(Rachel can be seen happily pouring wine into two large glasses)

(Monica is looking out through the window into the terrace)

MONICA: (saying to no one in particular) Wow, Ross seems to be hitting it off with some girl outside.

RACHEL: (turning around from the kitchen with two glasses in her hand) What'd you say Mon? (with a confused look)

MONICA: (turning to Rachel) Go outside and look. (pointing out the window)

(Rachel walks past Monica and instead moves to the entrance of the terrace. The scene plays the song "Dreaming of You" by "Selena")

(Rachel takes one step out toward the terrace and freezes. Standing before her was Ross and the new girl Fay kissing sensually while leaning on the terrace balcony)

(Fay stops kissing Ross and looks up at the sky)

FAY: Look Ross, it's starting to snow. (giggles) Look there's a snowflake on your nose.

(Fay takes her right hand and wipes off the snowflake from his nose. Ross doesn't flinch.)

(Ross looks at her without moving for a few moments and then passionately starts kissing her again)

(Camera pans out to Rachel who hadn't moved a muscle the entire time, looking devastated)

MONICA: (whispering delicately) Honey…come back inside.

(Monica put her hand on Rachel and ever so gently guides her across the terrace threshold, back into the apartment)

(SCENE FAST FORWARDS TO RACHEL BEING AT THE SINK ALONE. MONICA WAS ELSEWHERE.)

MAN 1: (to Rachel) Hey, are you alright?

RACHEL: (turning away from the sink to the man) Oh. Oh yeah, I'm fine. (looking devastated)

MAN 1: Are you sure? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice there's a tear on your face.

RACHEL: (with a forced depressed laugh) Oh yeah, that. Yeah that's just because….(long pause, with a higher pitched fragile voice)…..I always cry during Christmas…..(more tears come down her eyes, down her face)

(SCENE FLASHES FORWARDS 3 HOURS TO BEING OUT OF THIS BUILDING ALTOGETHER. THE SONG "DREAMING OF YOU" BY "SELENA" IS STILL PLAYING. THE SCENE IS NOW IN ROSS'S APARTMENT, IN HIS BEDROOM, PANNING OVER ROSS WHO IS ASLEEP AND SHIRTLESS, WITH HIS HAND AROUND AN ALSO SLEEPING FAY. THE CAMERA PANS OVER THEM FOR 7 SECONDS. THEN THE SCENE FLASHES FORWARD TO AN UNKNOWN APARTMENT, IN AN UNKNOWN BEDROOM, SHOWING A FULLY ASLEEP MAN, WHO HAD BEEN TALKING TO RACHEL EARLIER, SHIRTLESS, WITH HIS HAND AROUND A FULLY AWAKE AND ALERT EXPRESSIONLESS RACHEL GREENE).

(THE SCENE AND THE MUSIC FADE OUT)

(The final scene goes back to Monica/Rachel's apartment where Monica is lying on the couch exhausted with a sleeping Phoebe and an exhausted Chandler. Joey can be seen semi-alert in the background. Suddenly a woman passes by Joey. Joey smiles at her and says with full energy)

JOEY: How you doin?

WOMAN 2: (looks at Joey up and down for about 10 seconds) Yeah. Alright then.

(The woman pulls Joey from his chair and drags him out toward the apartment door)

(Chandler and Monica turn around stunned looking at him, and Joey turns around to look at them giving them a thumb's up)

CHANDLER: (stunned and upset) You have got to be kidding me.

(EPISODE ENDS)


End file.
